well..

Ok. so my consistency with keeping up with this blog is slightly erratic, but then again..so am i. I am finding that juggling the many different aspects of my life is not that easy. but it can be done..i've seen people do it. So what am i doing wrong? what have they learned that i haven't? is there a handbook you can buy? i handle one thing at a time pretty well. but i mean seriously, one thing. either my house is clean or i'm on top of the school stuff, both is a little difficult. it's getting a little out of hand actually. i just need to take a step back and figure it all out.

1Corinthians 10:31
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

the tides are shifting

The tides of life are shifting,
ebbing to and fro,
the waters slowly rising
i wonder which direction it will go.

I feel like I am on the edge of something. The world just seems a little off. There is something in the air, so thick you can almost see it. I pray for the ones that turmoil has struck and I pray that their minds be open and not hardened to the true beauty in the chaos. Chaos created for you. Custimized chaos to directly open your eyes to something. It may not be clear and the truth may be hard to find but aren't we all true treasure hunters. A good treasure hunt stirs something inside. Excitement, fear, uncertainty and adrenilane..such things stirred by chaos as well. When all around you is insane and it feels like you are caught in a tornado, close your eyes and breathe in the strength and peace that God gives you. Life will still be crazy but at least you have a mute button.

psychological rambling

You really don't have to read this. i'm jotting this down because my brain is on overload and i don't want to forget it. if i write notes on paper i am more apt to lose them. this way at least i have it. i just finished reading about sensory integration disorder, again. this book i have had since the very beginning. what if this is the sole problem? not bipolar, not autism, just sensory. it makes perfect sense. look at pregnancy, birth and first of life. we all to some extent have sensory issues. i don't like it when it gets too loud or too quite, too busy or too still but all of us are like that. imagine freaking out EVERY time life got a little hectic. what if background noise was unbearable. i think it may be that way for him. his immediate circle remains in his control, it just depends on how big that circle is that day.

hard time talking

The holidays took on a different meaning this year. i wonder if i'm the only one feeling this way but losing a grandparent sucks, in so many ways. The loss of a grandparent signifies time marching on...a fact that i would sometimes like to deny. when i had 4 grandparents and was younger it didnt hit me this hard but now i'm down to one. looking at pictures in a room i've stayed in since birth almost left me gasping for air. seeing pictures of myself, young and poorly dressed, and it hit me that someone cherished that moment with me enough to want a picture of it and i never noticed. i didnt know these pictures even existed much less that they were cherished by someone. i'm looking at life a little different this year and it kinda scares me. i have so much to say. so many words that just won't make it out of my mouth. my mind is filled with pictures. snapshots of time that i can't describe to anyone. that's what the holidays consist of for me this year. i can't remember the day or the time of day but i can remember the way i was sitting when i watched my uncle cry, the look on my kids face on christmas morning or the way my grandmother looked when we looked at each other the first time on thursday morning and how small she felt when she cried on my shoulder when we hugged. how long do these things stick with you? whew. i think i've got my work cut out for me this year. first things first. not to worry about it. it will all be fine.

Will I survive the snow days??!!

Will I survive the snow days?
I love my children, don't get me wrong. These little bundles of joy that I have cared for since before birth have brought me immense joy...and other mental issues. I'm not sure when it happened but my cute little bouncing boys have become insane tornados leaving chaos and destruction in their wake. i am becoming a casuality. I'm waiting on someone to declare a state of emergency in my home. The snow is a foot deep...Harley is almost 3 feet tall. Makes walking an issue. It was fun at first. The snowmen, the snowball fights, running and jumping in the white fluffiness. I had to make them come inside for fear of frostbite. Today, 5 days later, the snow is still here but it's not the fun, fluffy stuff anymore and my kids have figured it out. Running and jumping in the snow has morphed into running and jumping on my furniture. Here is the conversation we had this morning.
me: Hey guys wanna go outside?
them: (in unison) NO! it's too cold
me: come on.. its not that cold
them: there are icecycles mom
me: please go outside
them: no
me: please
them: no
me: it's gonna melt soon
them: good. we'll go outside when it melts.

So now i'm sitting here watching them run around like crazy people and i have no control. but at least they are happy.
Will I survive these snow days? Maybe not.

Coupons

ok. so. this coupon thing didn't work out so well.
it started out ok. I followed some links that some friends recommended. I have heard many good things from many different people and so I decided to try it. I found some good deals on alot of stuff. However one website said that I had to download a certain program for coupon printing so I decided better of it and started over. After a couple of different places said the same thing I assumed this was something that I had to do. So I did. I printed out a few coupons. I just wanted to check a see if the store would actually honor these so I didn't want to do to many.
i haven't been able to use my computer since.
i have a virus
i also have a program that's not supposed to let that happen
but anyway, back to the coupons
I haven't even tried them honestly. I just don't think that even if it does work i would care
75 cents off Downy or $100 dollars to repair my computer. hmm. let's think about it.

I can do this

Ok so today is day 1 of the, for lack of a better term, the 'new' me. I can do this. I repeat this over and over to myself. I can do this. See I told you. IT doesnt stop. Even when I want to forget about IT it's there. Taunting me. Laughing at me. IT scares me, IT actually causes me to tremble. By tremble I dont mean like "cold chill" tremble, I mean full out convulsions. Makes people stare kinda stuff. What is IT?, you ask. It is Maturity. Coming at me full force. I didnt think it would happen like this. But I can say that I have avoided it so long it's gonna take something drastic...so I've done this to myself. It still sucks. I'm really trying to figure this all out. When I quit a nice paying job with a position close to the top and a very good salary to be a stay at home mom my initial reaction was WOOHOO VACATION! That attitude has stuck with me. I don't have a job, I can do anything I want. But life is not a vacation. Reality has sunk in and I want to run screaming.
I can do this.