hard time talking

The holidays took on a different meaning this year. i wonder if i'm the only one feeling this way but losing a grandparent sucks, in so many ways. The loss of a grandparent signifies time marching on...a fact that i would sometimes like to deny. when i had 4 grandparents and was younger it didnt hit me this hard but now i'm down to one. looking at pictures in a room i've stayed in since birth almost left me gasping for air. seeing pictures of myself, young and poorly dressed, and it hit me that someone cherished that moment with me enough to want a picture of it and i never noticed. i didnt know these pictures even existed much less that they were cherished by someone. i'm looking at life a little different this year and it kinda scares me. i have so much to say. so many words that just won't make it out of my mouth. my mind is filled with pictures. snapshots of time that i can't describe to anyone. that's what the holidays consist of for me this year. i can't remember the day or the time of day but i can remember the way i was sitting when i watched my uncle cry, the look on my kids face on christmas morning or the way my grandmother looked when we looked at each other the first time on thursday morning and how small she felt when she cried on my shoulder when we hugged. how long do these things stick with you? whew. i think i've got my work cut out for me this year. first things first. not to worry about it. it will all be fine.