well..

Ok. so my consistency with keeping up with this blog is slightly erratic, but then again..so am i. I am finding that juggling the many different aspects of my life is not that easy. but it can be done..i've seen people do it. So what am i doing wrong? what have they learned that i haven't? is there a handbook you can buy? i handle one thing at a time pretty well. but i mean seriously, one thing. either my house is clean or i'm on top of the school stuff, both is a little difficult. it's getting a little out of hand actually. i just need to take a step back and figure it all out.

1Corinthians 10:31
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

the tides are shifting

The tides of life are shifting,
ebbing to and fro,
the waters slowly rising
i wonder which direction it will go.

I feel like I am on the edge of something. The world just seems a little off. There is something in the air, so thick you can almost see it. I pray for the ones that turmoil has struck and I pray that their minds be open and not hardened to the true beauty in the chaos. Chaos created for you. Custimized chaos to directly open your eyes to something. It may not be clear and the truth may be hard to find but aren't we all true treasure hunters. A good treasure hunt stirs something inside. Excitement, fear, uncertainty and adrenilane..such things stirred by chaos as well. When all around you is insane and it feels like you are caught in a tornado, close your eyes and breathe in the strength and peace that God gives you. Life will still be crazy but at least you have a mute button.

psychological rambling

You really don't have to read this. i'm jotting this down because my brain is on overload and i don't want to forget it. if i write notes on paper i am more apt to lose them. this way at least i have it. i just finished reading about sensory integration disorder, again. this book i have had since the very beginning. what if this is the sole problem? not bipolar, not autism, just sensory. it makes perfect sense. look at pregnancy, birth and first of life. we all to some extent have sensory issues. i don't like it when it gets too loud or too quite, too busy or too still but all of us are like that. imagine freaking out EVERY time life got a little hectic. what if background noise was unbearable. i think it may be that way for him. his immediate circle remains in his control, it just depends on how big that circle is that day.

hard time talking

The holidays took on a different meaning this year. i wonder if i'm the only one feeling this way but losing a grandparent sucks, in so many ways. The loss of a grandparent signifies time marching on...a fact that i would sometimes like to deny. when i had 4 grandparents and was younger it didnt hit me this hard but now i'm down to one. looking at pictures in a room i've stayed in since birth almost left me gasping for air. seeing pictures of myself, young and poorly dressed, and it hit me that someone cherished that moment with me enough to want a picture of it and i never noticed. i didnt know these pictures even existed much less that they were cherished by someone. i'm looking at life a little different this year and it kinda scares me. i have so much to say. so many words that just won't make it out of my mouth. my mind is filled with pictures. snapshots of time that i can't describe to anyone. that's what the holidays consist of for me this year. i can't remember the day or the time of day but i can remember the way i was sitting when i watched my uncle cry, the look on my kids face on christmas morning or the way my grandmother looked when we looked at each other the first time on thursday morning and how small she felt when she cried on my shoulder when we hugged. how long do these things stick with you? whew. i think i've got my work cut out for me this year. first things first. not to worry about it. it will all be fine.